Why am I a Jedi?

[Volund Starfire]

This is a rather long post, but to answer this question will take time. It is posted elsewhere, but that is not here and here is where it can be useful.

Why am I a Jedi? That is an interesting question. Well, I guess it would stem from my childhood. (Prepare yourselves for a very long story… remember, caffeine pills may be required through the flashback section).

When I was young, my parents used to read to me every night. They never read me the typical children’s tales, but instead the things they were read as children. I grew up on the stories of King Arthur and his Knights of the Table Round, Robin of the Hood, The Man of La Mancha (Don Quixote), and other tales of knightly deeds and heroic virtues. So, it was no wonder that these tales would leave a lasting impression on me.

When I was six, my dad took me to see Return of the Jedi. I was amazed, and hooked. Never before had I been exposed to those kinds of thoughts or theories. Not to mention the graphical effects were astounding. I couldn’t get enough. I think I bugged him to take me to see it about nine or ten times. Well, little did I know, the ideas it left me with would change my life forever.

In those days, I was already an avid reader of anything with the interpretation of the knightly virtues. I played Dungeon’s and Dragons as a Fighter turned Paladin (back when Elf was a character class). I read books by the newest authors about the knights and heroes. I was also exposed to other media with the same ideals in mind. But all of that became the distant past when I received my first Star Wars Book: Splinter of the Mind’s Eye.

I read the book over and over until it, quite literally, fell apart. When it did, it was replaced and the collection was built upon. It was soon after that The Return of the Jedi hit the big screen, so the writers were producing, and I was consuming. I did all that I could to live my life like the heroes in the books, acting as they would act, and doing as they would do (though, thankfully, I kept my own way of speak. Fortunate in that respect, I am…).

Then the crisis point hit… High School. I believe this is a turning point for many youths. I hit High School, and hormones hit me. Oh, boy, did they hit me hard. My eighth grade year, I was 5’4” tall, by the end of my sophomore year (eleventh grade), I was 6’3” tall. That was also when I found that I could influence the way people thought. More accurately, the way they felt.

Well, growing up in a caring and strict environment (home living and attending a private Military School), I was unprepared for a public high school filled with some of the dregs of humanity. It was a tough transition and one I did not make easily. In the end, I adapted rather than overcoming. That was when the rd spiral started.

I began using my new-found abilities to get what I wanted. I began influencing the emotions of girls to become more accepting of my attentions. I began influencing the emotions of the weak to become more subordinate to my will. I began influencing the emotions of the strong to provide sport for my enjoyment (i.e. raising emotions to begin fights just so I would watch them). Then it backfired.

One kid that I was trying to control realized what was happening and came after me. Well, I ran… he had a knife and I was unarmed. I ended up running around a corner and ending up in a dead end. He stalked and struck…

I thought that I deflected the blow when I punched back. Mine was a punch of desperation, but it had an effect I did not count on. I focused everything into a punch to his chest, and when it struck, it completely rendered him unconscious. Well, I found out later that I could do more with people than simply emotions, but that is for later. Right at that point, I had a kid unconscious in front of me and a knife sticking out from my left shoulder. I did mention, that my block wasn’t as effective as it should have been, right?

Well, it didn’t take long for my parents to move to Oregon to remove me from that situation. From mid-town Sacramento to Hick-Ville Nowhere, Oregon. I wasn’t upset. I moved into a town filled with mental midgets… the perfect place for me to “do my magic.”

I picked up a couple of friends, people I began depending on for support. I hid my truth from them, more for a selfish protection of myself. And I began doing what I used to do. Carousing, intimidating, instigating; the old sins in a new place. But, I was also developing something that I discovered in the fight in Sac High.

I could not only influence emotions, but also influence a person’s level of energy (as in awake, hyper, asleep, etc). My greatest feat was making a teacher fall asleep during his own lecture! But that wasn’t all, I found that I could do the same with myself. I could give myself a boost of energy to sprint the last 300 meters of an endurance race, I could snap myself awake instantly when I needed to, and I could keep myself going for a very long time during the more pleasurable sports (yes, the S-word).

Then, reality came crashing in. My senior year, I had an amazingly good friend. She was cute, she was funny, she was perfect. I had learned to use my talents only when necessary, to prevent suspicions, but something about her just seemed odd to me. Try as I might, I could gain no influence over her whatsoever. No matter how hard I tried, she just kept going on as if I were not even there.

This actually built our friendship and it turned into a relationship. For the first time in my life, I was in a relationship based on mutual interest, mutual trust, and not on emotional manipulation. It was a relationship that lasted more then the week or so until I got bored and “turned off” the romance through my ability. I was actually happy.

Unfortunately, this happiness also had the typical teenage touch of jealousy with it. I became possessive, I became obsessed with her happiness, and I became envious when she spent time with others. Since I could not manipulate her, I manipulate them. I drove them away from her so she would spend more time with me. I caused them to push her away so she would spend more time with me. No longer was it about us, but it was about me.

Graduation time came, and we “became adults in the world.” That was when my world fell apart before me. It was a week after graduation and she invited me to her house for some news. Besides being able to block my manipulations, another thing that drove me to her was the fact she could shield her own emotions from me. This was something I thought was mysterious, but it turned out to be something I was not expecting.

I will not go into the details as, even now, they sting at my heart. But, she told me that she was sensitive as well. She inherited the “sight” from her grandmother who was a first-generation immigrant from Ireland. She knew what I was doing, but was hoping that our love would guide me on a path to better myself. She told me that because I was not doing that, she was leaving. In the end, she did drop her emotional barrier and I felt it all.

Pain, anguish, and some thing that I cannot even describe in words filled me. It sent tears streaming down my face and a cry in my heart of “what have I done.” It was too painful for even crying to alleviate it. It was too strong for me to block it out. It was unbearable. I left then, knowing that she would no longer be in my life.

It took time for me to recover from what had happened. Most of it, I spent locked away in the confines of my room. I barely ate, I barely slept, my days were full of pain and tears.

Then one morning, as the light showed in from the rising sun, I caught sight of a book on my bookshelf. Splinter of the Mind’s Eye. I read it, then another, and another, and another still. I read my vast collection of Star Wars books and comics, which I had been collection for years just out of habit. I read them again. Then a third time.

It was then that I made a pact with myself. Never again would I allow my emotions to rule me. No more would I seek personal needs at the expense of others. From that point forward I would dedicate myself to the ideas as they were portrayed in the heroes of the fictional stories which I love so much.

I began church, I began volunteering, I began dedicating my life to making the world a better place. I made amends to those I had harmed, told the truth to those who called themselves my friends, and received forgiveness from those who truly were my friends. I was a changed man, a man who was dedicating himself to a life of peace.

For four years, I labored under the notion that I was the only one who had a following as such. Then, in late 2000 (after my return from Basic Training), I stumbled upon my first Jedi Website. I was not alone. This one thought filled me with hope.

As a lone Jedi, I could make a difference in those around me. As a member of a Jedi Order, we could make a difference in the world.

It is a long story, but I hope it quenches your curiosity about why I am a Jedi. If you still have other questions about events, just ask them and I will do my best to explain.

On a side note, I never saw Alena after leaving her house that day. All I know is that she moved away. Her father told me that whenever she called him, there was a sadness in her voice… It is that thought that keeps me from falling back to my dark ways. The knowledge that I could create such pain in another… The thought of doing it again sickens me both mentally and physically.

[Draco]

Why are you letting some chick from your past control your future? It sounds like your issue was you did not get what you wanted in the end, so you feel you have to repent and do penance for enjoying life. Ever think you are still using and controlling people but this time you use altruism to justify feeling good? And do you define "darkways" as acting in self interest and hurting some peoples feelings in the process?

[Alena]

mystic said:

Why are you letting some chick from your past control your future? It sounds like your issue was you did not get what you wanted in the end, so you feel you have to repent and do penance for enjoying life. Ever think you are still using and controlling people but this time you use altruism to justify feeling good? And do you define "darkways" as acting in self interest and hurting some peoples feelings in the process?

Sometimes people undergo a painful experience and feel the need to transform it into something positive. It allows them both to heal and grow as people.

You should try it sometime.


~Alena

[Draco]

It's the same old song and dance played a little different speed.

admin said:

mystic said:

Why are you letting some chick from your past control your future? It sounds like your issue was you did not get what you wanted in the end, so you feel you have to repent and do penance for enjoying life. Ever think you are still using and controlling people but this time you use altruism to justify feeling good? And do you define "darkways" as acting in self interest and hurting some peoples feelings in the process?

Sometimes people undergo a painful experience and feel the need to transform it into something positive. It allows them both to heal and grow as people.

You should try it sometime.


~Alena

[Alena]

mystic said:

It's the same old song and dance played a little different speed.

No, it's not.



~Alena

[Draco]

They probably just had a sap on Dr Phil with the same story.lol

admin said:

mystic said:

It's the same old song and dance played a little different speed.

No, it's not.



~Alena

[Volund Starfire]

I will thank you to show me as well as those who post on my behalf, as well as all those who post, respect. You may not have meant disrespect, but it comes to me that way. All I ask is that you not seek strife.

With that said, I will now address your concerns.

mystic said:

Why are you letting some chick from your past control your future?

Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes and seen the deepest pain in the world? Have you ever seen the true pain of a broken heart? Not just having been dumped, but having everything you trust and believe ground under foot? That is what I saw in her eyes. It is a picture that will be with me for the rest of my life.

I am not allowing “some chick from my past control my future,” quite the opposite. I made a mistake in the past which caused the greatest pain to another. It is for that reason that I changed my life around. Not because of her, but because of what I did to her.

That pain I caused to the only person who freely loved me made me actually stop and look at my life. It made me think about others for the first time. From that time on, I realized that my life was empty when I was only out for myself. Now that I actually care for others, I find myself able to genuinely smile and think that I am happy in my life.

It sounds like your issue was you did not get what you wanted in the end, so you feel you have to repent and do penance for enjoying life.

You are more correct, but not in the way which you may think.

I did not get what I wanted in the end. What I received was more pain that even I could handle. It hurt me. It hurt me worse than any physical pain I have ever had… but it wasn’t even mine. It was all hers.

Do I have to repent and do penance? No. I am neither repenting nor doing penance for what I did. I realized that living my life to selfish ends was not fulfilling. My life was full of the next one-night stand, the next bit of sport, the next day. There was no future, there was no caring, there was no love… there was only “the next.”

I was not enjoying life, I was taking advantage of others. I would woo women into bed, and then forget about them. I would push others into fights, and then laugh at their misfortune. I would do things to others to get my kicks, and then leave. I was living only for myself, and it was not fulfilling… it was not even fun. It just was.

There is no penance in my life now, I have tried that. There is no repentance now, I have tried that. I live my life with no regrets. I feel bad for what I did in the past, but I do not regret my actions. I would do them differently now, but I still do not regret them. That is the past. What happened in the past cannot be changed, only learned from. And learn I have… I have learned that by helping others, I feel a greater sense of fulfillment for longer than I did with my temporary dalliances. I have learned that living my life for the good of others provides more of a reward than living it only for myself.

Ever think you are still using and controlling people but this time you use altruism to justify feeling good?

Using and controlling people? No. I no longer play with the emotions of others as a child would play with a toy. Instead, if I feel pain or harm in another, I will tune their emotions back to harmony as an artist will tune a piano. I will not do so from the shadows as I once did. I will speak to them, get them to open up to me, then help to bleed their pain into myself where I can “dispose” of it in a constructive way. If I feel conflict, I will ease the emotions toward peace while easing their minds with my words.

I do not control them nor use them; I help them. I do not do so for altruism or good, I do so because it feels right to do so. You could say that in using my gift to change their feelings that I am controlling them, but I do not see it that way. I see it as helping them to release tensions that are eating at them. Some may deserve those feelings, but others do not. Even so, I am not the one to say who deserves or does not. I do not judge, I only help.

And do you define "darkways" as acting in self interest and hurting some peoples feelings in the process?

Actually, yes. Cause harm at all except in the defense of others is wrong. Using your personal strengths to climb over the freedom of others is wrong. Using the gifts which you have to dominate those without is wrong. It is evil to hurt others for no other reason than your self-interest.

That is why I am very confident in my following of the Light. I have been down the dark road and have seen the pain it brings. The dark road always carries with it a dark price. I have paid mine and will never pay it again. The light road has a price of its own, but the price is not pain with tears or gnashing of teeth, but with the kindness and free admiration of others.

In the Light, you sacrifice your time and energy for others and your reward is twice as great as that you expend. In the Darkness, you use your energy to get what you want and pay twice as much. Which way would you use your abilities? Who do you think is truly happy, those that get a free smile from others they help or those who take what they want and cause others needless pain?

It's the same old song and dance played a little different speed.
…
They probably just had a sap on Dr Phil with the same story.

As for your feelings on the reasoning of my path, I do not care. I used to live my life on the cares of others. I lived it to such that I had to keep my attention on their feelings at the expense of other pursuits I could have engaged on. Now, I do not care how others view me as long as I view myself positively.

Do not misunderstand this, though. Should I see a smile, it fills me with warmth. Should I see a scowl, it fills me with concern. Not concern over their feelings toward me, but concern over what is happening in their life to such a degree that they wear such a feeling on their face.

It is finals week at my college. Today, having no classes, I simply say in the lobby/gathering area and reached out to everyone. I was not removing their stresses but was giving them peace. Every person I saw, I called by name and got a hello and a smile. Every face that turned toward me, recognized me and smiled. Every person, whether I knew them by name or not, smiled at me and asked me how I was. They did not do this because I force them to. They do this because I helped them. I befriend everyone and help all those I can. Not because I feel I must, but because I can.

That is the greatest feeling in the world. To have so many people know your name and face, whether you know theirs or not. To have someone trust you enough to open their lives before you for no other reason than to “vent” to an open soul, no other reason than to cry on a caring shoulder. To have someone call you family when you have known them less than a year and trust you completely with their heart, mind, and soul. That is the greatest feeling in the world. That is the reason I will now and forever walk in the light. That is the reason I will never return to the darkness.

In the darkness, you can gain satisfaction quickly and easily, but it is fleeting. In the light, you must work to gain satisfaction, and because of that work it is more lasting and fulfilling. In the darkness, you use others to gain your satisfaction. In the light, others give you that satisfaction freely because they trust and love you.

[Xhaiden]

Great post Volund!! Many things that all Jedi should understand contained in what you said. It's too bad we have to go through things like that but sometimes it can result in the best possible outcomes. Learning from experience can be the most painful lesson but it can also be turned into the most rewarding!!

[Alena]

xhaiden said:

Great post Volund!! Many things that all Jedi should understand contained in what you said. It's too bad we have to go through things like that but sometimes it can result in the best possible outcomes. Learning from experience can be the most painful lesson but it can also be turned into the most rewarding!!

Agreed. After all it is often said that history if forgotten is repeated. This goes for personal history as well!



~Alena

[Volund Starfire]

I have most definitely learned from my history, and will never forget it. I have also learned that regret is a form of living in the past, which is not right for a Jedi. I see there being a difference between regretting and not liking what you have done.

It is difficult to explain, but there is a clear difference in my mind. I know that I did wrong, nothing can change that. However, I also know that pining over regret would not allow my mind to live in the present and would cause me to second-guess myself and slow my reactions. That could prove disastrous.

[Draco]

Iam too intelligent to create such a situation in the first place. Yes you are allowing some chick from the past to run your life, as your viewed mistake revolves around her as your long paragraphs point out.Maybe she didn't love you, maybe you just like to think she did. As it seems your self created tale needs that as important keystone.

To cut though the sapping dualism of warm fuzzies of this, you acted in one way it made you feel good, then it made you feel bad then you ran and flipped your life so it made you feel good without such interruptions. In the end you do things soley because they make you feel good about yourself as you admit. It is very pain/pleasure motivated fueled by emotion stimulis. It is not a matter of dark vs Light. As such bi-polar antics doers always want to frame it that way.

mystic said:

Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes and seen the deepest pain in the world? Have you ever seen the true pain of a broken heart? Not just having been dumped, but having everything you trust and believe ground under foot? That is what I saw in her eyes. It is a picture that will be with me for the rest of my life.

I am not allowing “some chick from my past control my future,” quite the opposite. I made a mistake in the past which caused the greatest pain to another. It is for that reason that I changed my life around. Not because of her, but because of what I did to her.

That pain I caused to the only person who freely loved me made me actually stop and look at my life. It made me think about others for the first time. From that time on, I realized that my life was empty when I was only out for myself. Now that I actually care for others, I find myself able to genuinely smile and think that I am happy in my life.


You are more correct, but not in the way which you may think.

I did not get what I wanted in the end. What I received was more pain that even I could handle. It hurt me. It hurt me worse than any physical pain I have ever had… but it wasn’t even mine. It was all hers.

Do I have to repent and do penance? No. I am neither repenting nor doing penance for what I did. I realized that living my life to selfish ends was not fulfilling. My life was full of the next one-night stand, the next bit of sport, the next day. There was no future, there was no caring, there was no love… there was only “the next.”

I was not enjoying life, I was taking advantage of others. I would woo women into bed, and then forget about them. I would push others into fights, and then laugh at their misfortune. I would do things to others to get my kicks, and then leave. I was living only for myself, and it was not fulfilling… it was not even fun. It just was.

There is no penance in my life now, I have tried that. There is no repentance now, I have tried that. I live my life with no regrets. I feel bad for what I did in the past, but I do not regret my actions. I would do them differently now, but I still do not regret them. That is the past. What happened in the past cannot be changed, only learned from. And learn I have… I have learned that by helping others, I feel a greater sense of fulfillment for longer than I did with my temporary dalliances. I have learned that living my life for the good of others provides more of a reward than living it only for myself.


Using and controlling people? No. I no longer play with the emotions of others as a child would play with a toy. Instead, if I feel pain or harm in another, I will tune their emotions back to harmony as an artist will tune a piano. I will not do so from the shadows as I once did. I will speak to them, get them to open up to me, then help to bleed their pain into myself where I can “dispose” of it in a constructive way. If I feel conflict, I will ease the emotions toward peace while easing their minds with my words.

I do not control them nor use them; I help them. I do not do so for altruism or good, I do so because it feels right to do so. You could say that in using my gift to change their feelings that I am controlling them, but I do not see it that way. I see it as helping them to release tensions that are eating at them. Some may deserve those feelings, but others do not. Even so, I am not the one to say who deserves or does not. I do not judge, I only help.


Actually, yes. Cause harm at all except in the defense of others is wrong. Using your personal strengths to climb over the freedom of others is wrong. Using the gifts which you have to dominate those without is wrong. It is evil to hurt others for no other reason than your self-interest.

That is why I am very confident in my following of the Light. I have been down the dark road and have seen the pain it brings. The dark road always carries with it a dark price. I have paid mine and will never pay it again. The light road has a price of its own, but the price is not pain with tears or gnashing of teeth, but with the kindness and free admiration of others.

In the Light, you sacrifice your time and energy for others and your reward is twice as great as that you expend. In the Darkness, you use your energy to get what you want and pay twice as much. Which way would you use your abilities? Who do you think is truly happy, those that get a free smile from others they help or those who take what they want and cause others needless pain?

It's the same old song and dance played a little different speed.
…
They probably just had a sap on Dr Phil with the same story.

As for your feelings on the reasoning of my path, I do not care. I used to live my life on the cares of others. I lived it to such that I had to keep my attention on their feelings at the expense of other pursuits I could have engaged on. Now, I do not care how others view me as long as I view myself positively.

Do not misunderstand this, though. Should I see a smile, it fills me with warmth. Should I see a scowl, it fills me with concern. Not concern over their feelings toward me, but concern over what is happening in their life to such a degree that they wear such a feeling on their face.

It is finals week at my college. Today, having no classes, I simply say in the lobby/gathering area and reached out to everyone. I was not removing their stresses but was giving them peace. Every person I saw, I called by name and got a hello and a smile. Every face that turned toward me, recognized me and smiled. Every person, whether I knew them by name or not, smiled at me and asked me how I was. They did not do this because I force them to. They do this because I helped them. I befriend everyone and help all those I can. Not because I feel I must, but because I can.

That is the greatest feeling in the world. To have so many people know your name and face, whether you know theirs or not. To have someone trust you enough to open their lives before you for no other reason than to “vent” to an open soul, no other reason than to cry on a caring shoulder. To have someone call you family when you have known them less than a year and trust you completely with their heart, mind, and soul. That is the greatest feeling in the world. That is the reason I will now and forever walk in the light. That is the reason I will never return to the darkness.

In the darkness, you can gain satisfaction quickly and easily, but it is fleeting. In the light, you must work to gain satisfaction, and because of that work it is more lasting and fulfilling. In the darkness, you use others to gain your satisfaction. In the light, others give you that satisfaction freely because they trust and love you.

[tzaphoni]

Draco, you're missing something here.

Volund has allowed a past experience have an influence on how he conducts himself in the future. That is not being controlled by the past; that is learning from the past. I'd consider that a very good thing. You may disagree with what he learned, and that is your right. No doubt, you would have learned a very different lesson had you had his experience. Nevertheless, the process of learning that he has undergone is a good one.

[Alena]

mystic said:

Iam too intelligent to create such a situation in the first place.

That's what many people say until they find themselves in a similar situation. No doubt you too will find yourself there as well.




~Alena

[Draco]

Um....no I don't use and manipulate people I care about like objects. Sorry I know how the self-righteous love to make bogus future predictions towards those who simply disagree to make themselves feel better.

admin said:

mystic said:

Iam too intelligent to create such a situation in the first place.

That's what many people say until they find themselves in a similar situation. No doubt you too will find yourself there as well.




~Alena

[Draco]

You missed the point, I have no objections to Volund's antics past or present. But enjoy deconstruction of the vechile of I wez evil knows I bez the light dogma that always seem to get roped to it. Volund is lead more by his emotional mind and all he did was Pavlov style reprogram his pain, pleasure stimuli not become closer to god.lol

tzaphoni said:

Draco, you're missing something here.

Volund has allowed a past experience have an influence on how he conducts himself in the future. That is not being controlled by the past; that is learning from the past. I'd consider that a very good thing. You may disagree with what he learned, and that is your right. No doubt, you would have learned a very different lesson had you had his experience. Nevertheless, the process of learning that he has undergone is a good one.

[tzaphoni]

But enjoy deconstruction of the vechile of I wez evil knows I bez the light dogma that always seem to get roped to it.

Erm. Could you repeat that, please? In English?

Volund is lead more by his emotional mind and all he did was Pavlov style reprogram his pain, pleasure stimuli not become closer to god.

I am not sure how you can evaluate the quality of his relationship with a divine being.

At this point I have to ask: what was the goal of your post in first place? Did you truly desire to learn something from Volund, or are you just interested in ranting against perceived weaknesses of the Light side? Mind you, I'm not criticizing. You can rant all you like, if that is in fact what you are doing. I just want to know because I make it a point to avoid Light vs. Dark debates. If that is what is going on in this thread, I'll quit participating in it immediately.

As a side note: Volund's experiences actually have little to do with classical conditioning. The premise of classical conditioning is that an organism already has a natural response to a given stimulus. These are called the unconditioned response and the unconditioned stimulus respectively. By consistently pairing the unconditioned stimulus with a second stimulus (one that does not naturally produce the unconditioned response), one can eventually train the organism to respond to the new stimulus just as it did with the unconditioned stimulus.

[Volund Starfire]

How am I allowing “some chick” from my past to run my life, friend Draco? My mistakes do not revolve around her, but become apparent through her. You see, I am very empathic. I dislike large sporting events for the simple reason that too many negative emotions mix with the positive in the crowd… it becomes disorienting very quickly.

I knew she loved me, only love could cause that much pain. It is not just a self-created delusional keystone. The reason I know she loved me was the feelings I was able to glean from her. As well as the feelings she created in me. It is more than a simple thought, only one who has been in love could understand what I mean.

Take the feeling your loved one creates in you. Now, hold it up to a mirror. Look at it and let it reflect back into you, and then allow it to continue to reflect back and forth. It is a connection that can not be called anything other than love.

As I said before, the good feelings were fleeting at best. They did not last long as I tired of the games too quickly and would seek it again from another. Again, fleeting. Helping others, though, creates a lasting feeling of fulfillment. You could probably say that I am doing it all to feel good, which you would be correct about. I am… But, in doing so, I am also helping others to make myself feel better through the sheer enjoyment of their emotions. It is intoxicating, and it lasts longer than anything else.

Before, I would seduce a girl to bed (sorry for being graphic, but this is the best description I can make). I would get myself close to her and begin playing a game with her emotions while flirting and misleading her. I would make her fall completely in love with me to the point of needing only me around her. When the time was right, I would take her out and use her for my own pleasure. I would get a night or week or month but then I would grow tired of her and want to move on. I would then manipulate her emotions to drive her away from me.

None of it would be “my fault,” and it would all be made to seem hers. This would foster depression and maybe even resentment. Every time I saw that girl, she would shoot me anger or sadness or other negative emotions. Those, I would drink in, but again, it would not be enough to sustain me. Sometimes, I would toy with the same girl again, but this was rare. It was an evil time, a time when I cared only about myself.

The looks and thoughts and emotions would drain me after a while. Such negative feelings would require me to find my energy elsewhere, which would lead me to another “conquest.” I would not consider it a form of vampirism, but not to the devastating effects of others. It was not good.

Today, when I see those I have helped, they smile and project good feelings toward me. Each time this happens, it re-energizes me. It gives me a feeling that is unequalled by any ten dalliances I had in those dark days. It makes me know that I am needed, that I am not alone. It makes me happy, a happiness that lasts even when I am away from others for a long time.

You say that you do not use those you love and care for as objects, but that is the thing… I loved and cared for none but myself. I did not once consider the emotions of those whom I was using. Even in the end, all I cared about was the way she made me feel, not what she was feeling. The truth hit me only when it was too late. She opened all of her feelings to me. I felt the love she had for me, and the knife I shot through it. I felt it all. It was the first time in my life that I saw how the abuse of my power made others feel.

What is really sad, was how it must have felt for her. You see, it made me wish to scream and cry and roar… but all she did when she dropped her barriers, as she no doubt felt exactly how it affected me, was stare my in the eyes… a single tear roll down her cheek.

You see, she did not manipulate me into feeling that, it was my fault. She did not ruin my life, I did it to myself. Nothing that has happened in the past to now has been her, it was all me. I accept the blame for it all, only me.

As for why you are questioning me, let me ask you something… Everyone knows who they can call friend. But, how many people can you truly say, call you a friend? Not a guess, but actually being able to say with 100% certainty that they will always and forever call you a friend?

It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, but how many call you a friend. Those are two separate things. And the more you have, the better your life is.

On a side note, the coming “closer to God” part is closer than you know… I am currently going for my Bachelor’s degree in philosophy. After getting that, I will be entering the Seminary to attain a Master’s of Divinity then a Doctorate of Theology and Spirituality as well as a Commission into the U.S. Army Chaplain’s Corps.

[Draco]

I was unaware the chick who blew him off was a divine being.

Yes that is what is going on.


Yes and the text book definition conflicts with what happened how?

tzaphoni said:

I am not sure how you can evaluate the quality of his relationship with a divine being.

At this point I have to ask: what was the goal of your post in first place? Did you truly desire to learn something from Volund, or are you just interested in ranting against perceived weaknesses of the Light side? Mind you, I'm not criticizing. You can rant all you like, if that is in fact what you are doing. I just want to know because I make it a point to avoid Light vs. Dark debates. If that is what is going on in this thread, I'll quit participating in it immediately.

As a side note: Volund's experiences actually have little to do with classical conditioning. The premise of classical conditioning is that an organism already has a natural response to a given stimulus. These are called the unconditioned response and the unconditioned stimulus respectively. By consistently pairing the unconditioned stimulus with a second stimulus (one that does not naturally produce the unconditioned response), one can eventually train the organism to respond to the new stimulus just as it did with the unconditioned stimulus.

[Draco]

To cut though the sapping dualism of warm fuzzies of this, you acted in one way it made you feel good, then it made you feel bad then you ran and flipped your life so it made you feel good without such interruptions. In the end you do things soley because they make you feel good about yourself as you admit. It is very pain/pleasure motivated fueled by emotion stimulis. It is not a matter of dark vs Light. As such bi-polar antics doers always want to frame it that way.

volund said:

How am I allowing “some chick” from my past to run my life, friend Draco? My mistakes do not revolve around her, but become apparent through her. You see, I am very empathic. I dislike large sporting events for the simple reason that too many negative emotions mix with the positive in the crowd… it becomes disorienting very quickly.

I knew she loved me, only love could cause that much pain. It is not just a self-created delusional keystone. The reason I know she loved me was the feelings I was able to glean from her. As well as the feelings she created in me. It is more than a simple thought, only one who has been in love could understand what I mean.

Take the feeling your loved one creates in you. Now, hold it up to a mirror. Look at it and let it reflect back into you, and then allow it to continue to reflect back and forth. It is a connection that can not be called anything other than love.

As I said before, the good feelings were fleeting at best. They did not last long as I tired of the games too quickly and would seek it again from another. Again, fleeting. Helping others, though, creates a lasting feeling of fulfillment. You could probably say that I am doing it all to feel good, which you would be correct about. I am… But, in doing so, I am also helping others to make myself feel better through the sheer enjoyment of their emotions. It is intoxicating, and it lasts longer than anything else.

Before, I would seduce a girl to bed (sorry for being graphic, but this is the best description I can make). I would get myself close to her and begin playing a game with her emotions while flirting and misleading her. I would make her fall completely in love with me to the point of needing only me around her. When the time was right, I would take her out and use her for my own pleasure. I would get a night or week or month but then I would grow tired of her and want to move on. I would then manipulate her emotions to drive her away from me.

None of it would be “my fault,” and it would all be made to seem hers. This would foster depression and maybe even resentment. Every time I saw that girl, she would shoot me anger or sadness or other negative emotions. Those, I would drink in, but again, it would not be enough to sustain me. Sometimes, I would toy with the same girl again, but this was rare. It was an evil time, a time when I cared only about myself.

The looks and thoughts and emotions would drain me after a while. Such negative feelings would require me to find my energy elsewhere, which would lead me to another “conquest.” I would not consider it a form of vampirism, but not to the devastating effects of others. It was not good.

Today, when I see those I have helped, they smile and project good feelings toward me. Each time this happens, it re-energizes me. It gives me a feeling that is unequalled by any ten dalliances I had in those dark days. It makes me know that I am needed, that I am not alone. It makes me happy, a happiness that lasts even when I am away from others for a long time.

You say that you do not use those you love and care for as objects, but that is the thing… I loved and cared for none but myself. I did not once consider the emotions of those whom I was using. Even in the end, all I cared about was the way she made me feel, not what she was feeling. The truth hit me only when it was too late. She opened all of her feelings to me. I felt the love she had for me, and the knife I shot through it. I felt it all. It was the first time in my life that I saw how the abuse of my power made others feel.

What is really sad, was how it must have felt for her. You see, it made me wish to scream and cry and roar… but all she did when she dropped her barriers, as she no doubt felt exactly how it affected me, was stare my in the eyes… a single tear roll down her cheek.

You see, she did not manipulate me into feeling that, it was my fault. She did not ruin my life, I did it to myself. Nothing that has happened in the past to now has been her, it was all me. I accept the blame for it all, only me.

As for why you are questioning me, let me ask you something… Everyone knows who they can call friend. But, how many people can you truly say, call you a friend? Not a guess, but actually being able to say with 100% certainty that they will always and forever call you a friend?

It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, but how many call you a friend. Those are two separate things. And the more you have, the better your life is.

On a side note, the coming “closer to God” part is closer than you know… I am currently going for my Bachelor’s degree in philosophy. After getting that, I will be entering the Seminary to attain a Master’s of Divinity then a Doctorate of Theology and Spirituality as well as a Commission into the U.S. Army Chaplain’s Corps.

[Alena]

Draco, it pains me greatly to write this because I dislike drama and censorship. I believe in the free exchange of ideas. I also dislike it when I begin to notice that a person needs to be singled out because the exchange of ideas is getting hindered by one person's attitude.

However, I can't help but notice that most of your comments to people on here are very negative and often to the point of personal attack. I would ask of you to please respect people on this board, and to remember that you can state your opinion in a way that isn't a personal attack. Making fun of illnesses such as bipolar and accusing people on this board of having it is extremely out of line.

Consider this your first official warning. Continue without heeding it, and appropriate action will be taken.



~Alena